if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
