Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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