have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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