the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
