i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
