remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
