oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
