I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
