Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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