i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
