all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
