I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
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