Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
