when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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