Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
