I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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