so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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