the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
