Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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