I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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