My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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