I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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