i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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