I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
