tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
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