The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
