hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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