I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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