I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
