True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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