dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
