This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
