I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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