There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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