I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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