i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
