so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
