Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
