I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
