According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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