he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
no more duck duck goose at the bar
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
