he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
