someone threw a dead crab at me
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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