I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
