Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
They have beer where we have blood.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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