just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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