JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
