My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
