i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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