You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
