cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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