remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize