Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
