nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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