forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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