i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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