I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize