Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
