They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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