It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
