I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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