My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
